Reports emerged from Downing Street yesterday that the coalition government is in danger of collapse over arguments about which side of the political family to have Christmas dinner with this year.
A leaked memo from David Cameron to Nick Clegg entitled ‘Xmas Dinner 2010 Plans’ revealed that the Conservative leader wants to spend the day with the Tories, probably at ‘Granny Thatcher’s house with Uncle John and Aunty Norma’. However, Clegg has argued that ‘We always visit your family. I’m trying my best to come round to their world view, but most of them can’t even remember my name. Why can’t we go and see mine for a change?’
Clegg is thought to favour spending Christmas day at his Uncle Paddy’s house instead. ‘That way we won’t have to sit through that boring Queen’s speech or spend the evening playing Risk and explaining to Granny Thatcher that you can’t just keep invading the Falklands. Cousin Charles has even promised not to overdo it on the sherry this year.’
Representatives of both parties were last night thrashing out a Programme for Festivity, including reaching agreement on deal-breakers such as whether to have turkey or goose, whether to open presents in the morning or after lunch, and whether to watch Eastenders or All-Star Family Fortunes.
But today the Prime Minister ended the speculation by releasing a statement saying, ‘Nick and I have agreed that we will spend Christmas Day with the Tories and Boxing Day with the Lib Dems.’ Mr Clegg added that ‘compromises need to be made’, but he is facing the prospect of being disowned by his family after breaking a pre-election pledge that he’d be spending Christmas with them this year.
‘Dave has assured me that he’s spoken to his family about calling me ‘that man’,’ said Clegg, ‘and I’m sure no-one’s going to slip their Brussels sprouts onto my plate when I’m not looking. This is the right plan for the country this Christmas, and I’m very much looking forward to listening to Boris’s jokes about pulling crackers and being a breast and leg man.’
‘I just hope I manage to look grateful enough when Granny Thatcher gives me that ‘I ♥ the Poll Tax’ sweater I know she’s been knitting.’
17th December 2010